Colbert Super PAC

Dear Super PAC Super People,

Hey, it's Jon again. As you know, a while back, I took over this Super PAC so that my friend and business partner Stephen Colbert could explore possibly running for President of the United States of America of South Carolina (maybe).

Unfortunately, he never connected with voters, despite nearly a week of part-time campaigning, culminating in a massive rally at the College of Charleston.

Now, Stephen's exploratory phase is over. And like most exploratory phases, it was strange, awkward, and ended not long after he left campus.

Today he asked me if he if he could retake control of The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC. I told him, with all due respect, to go take a long walk off a short go-f%¢#-yourself.

Are you kidding me? This thing is a pile of money, sitting on top of a heap of cash, sitting on top of a mountain of moolah. And I'm going to spend it. But in a legal, responsible way. For example, I just bought a jaguar! And I'm going to buy that jaguar its own Jaguar, and teach it to drive me around!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go – my official Super PAC Private Zeppelin is about to land and the pilot told me I have to turn off all electronic devices. Which sucks, I was about to score a bingo on Words With Friends. Oh, the H-U-M-A-N-I-T-Y!

In conclusion: I'm rich! Rich, I tell you, rich!

Jon Stewart
President For Life For Ever
The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC

Paid for by Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.