Dear Super PAC Nation,
For those of you holding your breath for the past few weeks, you may exhale. For those of you who did not survive holding your breath: You did not die in vain. Because I, Stephen Colbert, have regained control of Colbert Super PAC.
Earlier tonight, I confronted Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, and chased him all the way to The Colbert Report, in the most action-packed TV crossover since that time Urkel guest-starred on Full House.
The way I see it, the Supreme Court said that money is speech, and Jon Stewart was hogging all my speech. Now I've taken that speech from Jon, making him like that movie "The Artist": French.
At midnight, Colbert Super PAC will be filing our financial details with the Federal Election Commission. If you're not currently one of the three Democrats or three Republicans on the F.E.C., you can read about it in the press release below.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to spend some quality time with my money.
Ex-President and President
Colbert Super PAC
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, IF NOT SOONER
Stephen Colbert Wins Democracy!
Kingmaker Pundit Regains Super PAC, Files Financial Report, Takes Nap
BASIC CABLE, NY – After a decades-long battle that spanned nearly two weeks, Stephen Colbert has wrested control of Colbert Super PAC from the clutches of his arch-nemesis and dear friend, Jon Stewart. Colbert then showed his deep commitment to transparency by disclosing the Super PAC's financial information several hours before being legally required to.
"Colbert Super PAC has brought in a staggering $1,023,121.24, which my accountant explains to me that is a number far above 'one,' 'two,' 'five,' or even 'many'" said Stephen Colbert, President and Returning Champion of Colbert Super PAC. "We raised it on my show and used it to materially influence the elections – in full accordance with the law. It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country."
Colbert Super PAC sent their forms to the Federal Election Commission on Tuesday at 12:01 AM, making them the first to file on the last filing day. Copies of the form can be found on the internet by Asking Jeeves, or simply clicking here.
Colbert Super PAC, temporarily known as The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC, is officially registered as Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and is considering changing it again to John Colbert Cougar Super MellenPAC.
For Press Inquiries Contact: Alberto Rèalnamè
Communications Director & Online Clicktivist Organizr
Colbert Super PAC
|Paid for by Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.