The Central Jersey Theory is It Real?

The Central Jersey Theory is It Real?

Transcript:

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO “THE LATE SHOW.”
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
FOLKS, WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON.
SEEMS LIKE THE AMERICA YOU USED TO LOVE AND KNOW DOESN’T EXISTS,
OR MAYBE YOU GOT A NEW PHONE AND ISN’T ANSWERING YOUR TEXTS.
STILL, IT’S UPSETTING.
BUT FOR SOME FOLKS TO HAVE THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY, THE UNITED
STATES THEY THOUGHT THEY KNEW MAY HAVE NEVER EXISTED ADD ALL.
SO TONIGHT WE TAKE A LOOK AT A LOOK AT A SMALL CIVIL WAR
BETWEEN THE NORTH, THE SOUTH AND THE MIDDLE PART.
JIM?
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS NEW JERSEY, THE GARDEN STATE, A PROUD PART
OF THE UNION SINCE 1787.
A STATE WHOSE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE ARTS INCLUDE BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN, MERYL STREEP AND MEATBALL PEOPLE.
>> MEATBALL DAY!
MEATBALL DAY!
>> STEPHEN: ITS CITIZENS OFTEN IDENTIFY AS BEING EITHER FROM
THE NORTH OR SOUTH JERSEY, AND THEY DON’T GET ALONG.
>> NORTH JERSEY CULTURE IS MORE CROWDED, AND THEY TEND TO THINK
THEY’RE BETTER THAN THE REST OF THE STATE.
>> NORTH JERSEY LACKS HEART.
>> A SOUTHERN JERSEY PERSON IS PROBABLY MORE ON THE BEACH END,
MORE PRIDEFUL, A LITTLE ARROGANT.
>> I THINK THEY’RE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN BECAUSE THEY’RE SO
CLOSE TO PHILADELPHIA.
>> STEPHEN: EACH PART OF NEW JERSEY IS DEFINED BY ITS FOOD.
THE NORTH CALLS THIS A SUB WHILE THE SOUTH CALLS IT A HOAGIE.
THE NORTH CALLS THIS TAYLOR HAM, AND THE SOUTH CALLS IT PORK
ROLL.
CALL IT PORK ROLL ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THIS STATE, AND SEE WHAT
HAPPENS.
>> WANT SOME PORK ROLL?
( GUNSHOT ) >> STEPHEN: THAT’S THE WAY IT’S
BEEN FOR 250 YEARS, A NORTH AND A SOUTH AND NOTHING IN BETWEEN.
ENTER NEW GOVERNOR, PHIL MURPHY.
>> WE ARE ONE NEW JERSEY– NORTH, CENTRAL AND SOUTH.
( SLOW MOTION ) …CENTRAL… CENTRAL…
>> STEPHEN: DID YOU CATCH THAT?
>> ( SLOW MOTION ) …CENTRAL…
>> STEPHEN: CENTRAL NEW JERSEY.
THIS BOMBSHELL MADE HEADLINES BECAUSE MANY NEW JERSYIANS DON’T
BELIEVE THAT CENTRAL JERSEY EVEN EXISTS, LIKE RUTGERS LAW
PROFESSOR JAY FEINMAN…
>> IN “LIVING ON A PRAYER,” JON BON JOVI POINTS OUT WE’RE
HALFWAY THERE, NOT A THIRD OF THE WAY THERE.
>> STEPHEN: …AND POLITICAL REPORTER CLAUDE BRODESSER-AKNER.
>> WE KNOW WHY CENTRAL JERSEY AS A WORD WAS INVENTED.
IT’S SO PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO SAY THEY’RE FROM SOUTH JERSEY.
>> STEPHEN: SO, I SAT DOWN WITH GOVERNOR MURPHY TO OFFER HIM THE
OPPORTUNITY TO DEFEND HIS POSITION.
GOVERNOR, THANKS FOR TALKING TO ME TODAY.
>> HONORED TO BE HERE.
>> STEPHEN: WE’VE SPOKEN TO PEOPLE FROM SOUTHERN AND
NORTHERN NEW JERSEY WHO SAY THERE’S A SOUTH AND A NORTH
JERSEY, BUT THERE IS NO CENTRAL JERSEY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THESE PEOPLE?
>> OH, THEY’RE… THEY’RE DESPERATELY WRONG.
IT’S A LITTLE BIT OF A MYSTICAL KINGDOM, KIND OF A CAMELOT.
IT’S IN THE MIST, SO YOU HAVE TO SORT OF GRASP IT AND LIVE IT.
IT’S NOT ABSTRACT; IT’S THERE, I PROMISE YOU.
>> STEPHEN: SO, IT’S… IT’S…
IT’S MYSTICAL AND NOT ABSTRACT AT THE SAME TIME?
>> ISN’T THAT COOL?
>> STEPHEN: IS IT NEW JERSEY’S NARNIA?
>> IT MIGHT BE.
I HAVE TO THINK.
CAN I SLEEP ON THAT ONE AND COME BACK TO YOU?
>> STEPHEN: NOPE.
YOU GOT TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER NOW.
I’M GOING TO HOLD YOUR FEET TO THE FIRE.
>> I THINK IT’S DEFINITELY MAYBE NARNIA.
>> STEPHEN: SHOULD SOUTH JERSIANS BE ALLOWED TO USE NORTH
JERSEY BATHROOMS, AND SHOULD NORTH JERSEY PEOPLE BE ALLOWED
TO USE SOUTH JERSEY BATHROOMS?
AND SHOULD CENTRAL JERSIANS JUST HOLD IT TILL THEY GET TO
PENNSYLVANIA?
>> WE ARE WIDE OPEN ACROSS THE… UP AND DOWN THE STATE ON
ACCESS TO BATHROOMS.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, WHAT PART OF JERSEY ARE YOU FROM?
>> CENTRAL JERSEY.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
AND WHAT TOWN IN NEW JERSEY?
>> I AM IN MIDDLETOWN.
>> STEPHEN: YOU’RE FROM MIDDLETOWN?
>> MIDDLETOWN.
>> STEPHEN: THAT’S A LITTLE ON THE NOSE.
>> YES, IT IS.
>> STEPHEN: DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE STATE CALL DIFFERENT FOODS
DIFFERENT NAMES.
I’M GOING TO HOLD UP A FOOD, YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD CALL
THEM.
>> OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: TAYLOR HAM OR PORK ROLL?
>> THAT’S TAYLOR PORK.
>> STEPHEN: TAKE A STAND!
GROW A SPINE!
COME ON, WHAT IS THIS?
>> I LOVE EVERY CORNER OF THE STATE, BUT WE’RE VERY COOL
PEOPLE IN THE CENTRAL PART OF THE STATE.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT IS COOL?
WHAT IS COOL ABOUT NOT HAVING AN OPINION?
>> THAT RIGHT THERE IS TAYLOR PORK.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT IS THIS?
>> THAT LOOKS LIKE A SUB OR A HOAGIE.
THOSE ARE THE TWO WORDS I WOULD THINK.
I CAN’T DO BOTH?
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, YOU CAN’T.
SEE, THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH YOU CENTRAL PEOPLE– IT’S EITHER
A SUB OR A HOAGIE.
>> THAT’S A SUB OR A HOAGIE.
>> STEPHEN: THIS TAUGHT US NOTHING.
WHAT MAKES YOU QUINTESSENTIALLY CENTRAL NEW JERSEY?
>> ME, PERSONALLY?
>> STEPHEN: IS IT THAT YOU ALSO HAVE NO DISTINGUISHING
CHARACTERISTICS?
>> I LIVE THERE.
DOESN’T THAT GIVE ME A LEG UP?
>> STEPHEN: IT WAS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET GOVERNOR
MURPHY TO TAKE A FIRM STAND ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN ROCK ‘N’
ROLL.
>> BY THE WAY, THE SOUL OF ROCK ‘N’ ROLL IN MANY RESPECTS IS OUT
OF CENTRAL JERSEY.
JERSEY IS A ROCKIN’ PLACE.
IT’S GOT ROCK ‘N’ ROLL.
IT’S GOT ROCK ‘N’ ROLL.
IT’S GOT THAT INNOVATION ROCK ‘N’ ROLL SHORE LOBE.
IT’S ONE HAPPY ROCKIN’ FAMILY.
ONE HAPPY ROCKIN’ NEW JERSEY FAMILY ROCKIN’ NEW JERSEY.
WE GOT A LOT OF ROCK N ROLL RIGHT IN HERE.
>> STEPHEN: TO SETTLE THE DEBATE OVER CENTRAL NEW JERSEY, I HAD
TO GO ABOVE THE GOVERNOR TO THE CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE GARDEN
STATE HIMSELF.
>> ALL RISE!
ALL RISE!
ALL RIGHT, SIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW YOU DOIN’?
I’M READY TO RENDER MY JUDGEMENT IN THE CASE OF “DOUCHE BAG
VERSUS SOME HUMP WHO CUT ME OFF.”
HEAR YE, HEAR YE, I, JON STEWART, THE CHIEF SUPREME
JUSTICE OF NEW JERSEY, HEREBY DECLARETH BY THE POWER VESTED IN
ME FROM WHATEVER IT IS IN THE AIR AROUND ELIZABETH, DECLARETH
THAT CENTRAL JERSEY DOES EXIST.
I GREW UP THERE.
MMM, THAT’S A GOOD SANDWICH.
BY THE WAY, ANOTHER PRONOUNCEMENT: PHILADELPHIA DOES
NOT EXIST.
IT’S ACTUALLY “SOMEWHERE,” A SUBURB OF NORTHWEST ( BLEEP )
HOLE, ALSO KNOWN AS DELAWARE.
“PIECE OF ( BLEEP )” AND “( BLEEP ).”
OH, YEAH?
YEAH?
YOU WANT A PIECE?
OH, WHAT ARE YOU, AN EAGLES FAN?
HUH?
YOU PIECE OF ( BLEEP )!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JUSTICE
STEWART!
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )